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  • Writer's pictureIysha co-founder

Am I an abuser?

Updated: May 12, 2020

Am I a perpetrator of domestic abuse?

Ask yourself...

Physical abuse;

If you’re hitting, punching, kicking, pushing, using a weapon against your partner, putting your hands around their throat, strangling, choking or causing them any other kind of physical harm, you’re being physically abusive.

Psychological or emotional abuse;

Calling your partner names, texting or emailing them abusive messages, putting them down, shouting or swearing, damaging things, throwing things, controlling who they see, accusing them of things or demanding that they change their clothes or looks is psychologically or emotionally abusive.


Gaslighting is another form of psychological abuse where you’ll discredit your partner’s memory, perception and sanity through lies, denial, contradiction, false information and manipulation.

Coercive control;

Manipulating and controlling your partner – either through intimidation, treats, humiliation or isolating them from their support networks – is coercive control.

Sexual abuse

You’re sexually abusive if you’re pressuring someone to have sex, touching them against their will, sulking or punishing them for not wanting sex, forcing them to watch porn, degrading them or pressuring them to have unprotected sex. Sexual abuse can happen in or outside of relationships or marriage.

Financial abuse / economic abuse;

If you’re financially abusive you might be keeping a strict account of how your partner is spending, keeping them short of money, refusing to sign paperwork, using their credit cards without permission, building up debts or bullying them into purchases. Stealing from your partner. Not letting your partner work or become financially independent against their will. That’s abuse.

Post-separation abuse;

If you’ve separated and you’re making unwelcome contact, checking up on your ex’s movements or pressuring them to take you back, you’re abusing them. If you’re using court as a mechanism to punish and further control your ex. You are committing post-separation abuse.

Technology abuse

If you’re using others social media accounts, monitor activities such as tweeting, updating a Facebook status, or using another person’s phone’s GPS to find local restaurants to stalk, harass, surveil, and control them. This is tech abuse.

You can get help to change your behaviour. There is confidential help available from a national charity called respect. Get in touch before this behaviour turns into something you regret. It’s never a one off.

Alternatively local confidential changing behaviour courses are available. contact

Stay safe.

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